Waiting and remembering

I guess every day of these two weeks has to last an eternity… I feel quite well, I notice only small changes probably due to the progesterone, but who knows what’s happening inside? When women conceive naturally, they are not aware of anything until they miss their period, so I guess there’s nothing to feel… still, I can’t help but wonder if every little thing has something to do with that little embryo, and if it’s good or bad… well, I’ll have to wait and hope a few more days.

To be honest, in our journey I never had any hope until we started IVF. Our story started a few years back, even before we got married. My husband knew he had some problems that needed to be treated before he could think about having children; he told me straight away, one of our first dates… I was already falling in love with him and convinced myself that if I decided to stay with him I also had to live with the idea of not having children at all. We got married, and after a few months he had an operation; it went well and we started thinking that maybe we had a chance after all. A year passed and nothing happened… his doctor suggested that we went to a fertility clinic to discuss options.

I went to the clinic sure that the problem didn’t depend on me, and after a simple blood test I found out I was infertile… the doctor said “given your age and this results (AMH below 5 on a scale where this means ‘very low/undetectable’), I’d suggest that you don’t waste time with anything else, and try IVF as soon as possible”. And so it was that after years convinced that we wouldn’t have children because of his problems, I had to face the reality that I had a bigger, not better defined, issue and there was a way forward, but I had to decide quickly and I was the one who had to be treated…

The worst thing was that I went to that appointment to have the results of the blood test alone, sure that it was only a formality. And I cried for a hour on the way back home, before I could tell him. That was maybe the worst moment so far, the one I still have nightmares about. Only after a while, after talking with other women who had done IVF, after reading all I could find online, I realized that it was a good thing, we could do something finally, we are in it 100% together.

All this was only in March this year, and now in a few days we will know the result of this IVF cycle. In a few eternities.

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